i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
