just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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