weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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