I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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