happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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