if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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