Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
