I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
