I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
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