I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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