He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
