I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Sorry about my life...
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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