i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
