Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize
