So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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