it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
