Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
