So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
did i just pee glitter
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
