My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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