i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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