Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Randomize
