...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
