dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Randomize
