Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize
