I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
