My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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