U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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