I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
