3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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