i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
They have beer where we have blood.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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