dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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