why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
