right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
