I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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