it was like eating out sand paper
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
