He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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