you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
of course. lets lasso hookers.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
