Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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