the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
