Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
