i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I skipped work to stalk him.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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