Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
