think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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