Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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