I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
