Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
