about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
