these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
