I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
