I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Randomize
