A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
