dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i just had sex bonerless
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
