Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
